at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The feeling are messing with the penis
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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