my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
