She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
