I'm eating all of the evidence.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
