Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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