I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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