Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
