our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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