My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
