Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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