mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
