the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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