Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
