God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
How's work?
Spinning.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
