Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
