My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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