I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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