so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
