Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm too high and old for this...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
