I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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