im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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