so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
