At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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