Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
