i may or may not be watching the land before time
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
