his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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