No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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