What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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