I skipped work to stalk him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
