Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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