she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
