Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
