I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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