It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
