Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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