A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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