Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
