I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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