Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
