I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
