I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
