I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
