I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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