so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
