Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
