Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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