so explain again why im purple
no
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
