I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
