Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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