I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
