I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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