you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
